he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
