I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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