She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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