I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
