last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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