this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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