I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
