I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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