I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Come share oat with me in your robe
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
