Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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