I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
