I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
