Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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