I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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