Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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