can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize