Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
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