There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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