when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
