my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
