My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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