I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
