Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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