she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
