I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
