if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
