They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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