She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
