I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
