My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
