Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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