Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize