I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
