But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he was CRYING into my vagina
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
