hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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