the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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