I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
