How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
