i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
