I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
