Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
