I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
