I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
