So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
