wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
