Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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