i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
