I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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