i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
