take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
