I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
