Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
