he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
