I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
