This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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