i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
