I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
