Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
