ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
