8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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