i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
